I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
