I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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