Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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