I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
