every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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