Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
