I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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