Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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