my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
