thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize