Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
