i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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