We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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