i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
