Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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