you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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