I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Randomize
