i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
