rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
