***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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