Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Pooping to opera.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
