I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize