Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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