jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Randomize
