Kiss
Puke
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
