I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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