i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
