So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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