Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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