hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
