my being single is dangerous.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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