Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
