I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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