My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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