U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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