Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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