pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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