you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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