will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
