My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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