so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
two words...techno handjob
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Randomize
