Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
