My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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