Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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