Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
