I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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