So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
