So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize