I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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