I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Pants are for mortals
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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