community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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