There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
whose parrot is this?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
