just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just cropdusted the office
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize