I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize