my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
