I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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